Opinion / Sports and Outdoors / World

“Everything I Touch Gets Ruined”

We’re six games into the season, which gives us a pretty good gauge on which teams are good, which teams are bad, and which teams sow despair in the hearts of 22-year-old college students in Denver and cause them to be late on their weekly columns. The Broncos are the latter. 

I’m trying not to believe that the worst is upon us. The Broncos are bad. More than that, they’re past the point where one might reasonably expect them to put it all together. For the first time, a thought has entered my mind: we may have sent a king’s ransom to Seattle for a lateral move at quarterback. 

If so, that’s catastrophic. It’s bad for the present and the future. This team has very little draft capital, and if Russell Wilson does not eventually turn into Russell Wilson they are also saddled with the weight of his enormous, lengthy contract. He had better get his [CCU unfriendly term for excrement] together.

It’s very funny how after every subsequent embarrassing loss the Broncos’ twitter account will scramble to post something along the lines of “Russ is actually dealing with *quickly consults Operation™ game board* butterflies in stomach, so stop yelling at us.” Whether or not these ailments are real or otherwise is beside the point, because apparently Russ and/or self-titled Offensive Wunderkind Nathaniel Hackett cannot recognize basic NFL blitz packages and pass-block accordingly. If I can tell that the linebacker is blitzing but Russ can’t, there’s a problem, and it has nothing to do with Russ’ hamstring.

The defense continues to soldier on and ball the hell out every game despite being more injury-prone than a Texan on the Crestone Traverse. Baron Browning just might be the real deal. Pat Surtain continues to annihilate any receiver unlucky enough to be absorbed by his gravitational pull. He had better watch out though, every other player on the Broncos named Patrick has torn their ACL this season. Tim went down in training camp and Aaron Patrick slipped on some carpet or something on the sidelines while trying to avoid a media person. I promise the powers that be in the Broncos media relations department that I will be prepared to prevent such instances if they would just give me media passes like I’ve been badgering them about all season. 

Not that the Broncos are a great way to spend your Sunday right now. Somehow, despite acquiring a potential hall of famer at quarterback, they are sitting on a worse record (2-4) than they had this time last year (3-3). We’ve needed an elite quarterback for years, and once we get him, he sucks. I feel like Charlie Brown in his titular Christmas Special after his pathetic little tree topples under the weight of the ornament. He says, “everything I touch gets ruined.” 

“This team is cursed,” writes a man who remembers with great clarity this very team winning a Super Bowl not 10 years prior. Maybe I’m spoiled. Or maybe it’s really that bad.

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