Opinion / Sports and Outdoors / World

Ypres, the Game

Just when you think the Broncos have hit bedrock in the Marianas Trench, they lose to the Panthers by 13. It wasn’t even that close, or that interesting.

I wish we could be a fun type of bad and not just boring bad. The Falcons may suck, but at least they put some points on the board. Here is one way Russ might fix this problem! What if he straddled the ball, clutched it with his cleats, and waddled down the field with his arms at his sides like an emperor penguin? While unlikely to produce points, this maneuver would at least be fun to watch and might be considered “an entertainment product.” 

I’ve realized that I just wished this team was more like the Falcons. Lord almighty. 

Some folks online are of the mind that Russ shares no blame in this catastrophic season. I don’t understand this at all. Russ has four fewer touchdown passes than he has bathrooms in his house. If we wanted to go 3-14 we could’ve just trotted Brett Rypien out there every week and saved our top-five pick for C.J. Stroud. The most consistent contributor on our offense of late has been Latavius Murray, whom we picked up on waivers halfway through the season. Says a lot. 

Watching the Broncos reminds me of World War I trench warfare. Our offense is consistently mown down before they make it 10 yards. Garrett Bolles has a medical discharge and Melvin Gordon just got shipped off the the front. I think Jerry Jeudy has trench foot. 

Nathaniel Hackett is 10% the incompetent general who only got his post because of his aristocratic parents in that analogy. His seat is not warm. His seat is currently 40 miles below the surface of the sun, and it has a hole in the middle like the one James Bond gets strapped to in Casino Royale. He will be lucky to escape Denver with his life and his testicles. 

In retrospect it’s funny that I spent the better part of this season begging the Broncos PR staff to give me media passes so I could cover this abomination in person. Those efforts have ceased. I don’t want to watch any more of this football team. I didn’t even watch the second half. I’m sort of shocked at that. In previous years, that would be inconceivable. My entire life has had one constant: if the Broncos are on TV, I will be watching them. That didn’t happen this week, and I don’t feel bad about it. In fact, I managed to catch a very entertaining World Cup match between Spain and Germany instead, and it distracted me from the calamity in Charlotte. 

You can do that! Broncos fans – you do not have to watch this team lose in the exact same way every week. You can spend that time doing something else that you might actually enjoy. Here are some ideas:

  • Read a book
  • Go for a walk
  • Play a fiery game of Yahtzee

I know these aren’t the most exciting options, but remember, I’m new to this. I don’t really know what to do with the hours I’ve traditionally reserved for watching my football team suffer. 

The Broncos are so painful that slamming my naked big toe into a concrete wall seems preferable, if only because it will be over quicker. If you’re a sadist, you’re free to watch the Broncos play six more games in this season that’s been over for a month. As previously mentioned, they still have to play the Chiefs twice. If you need me, I’ll be at the Yahtzee table.

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