Car talks with Myself

Welcome to Car talks with Van. My goal is to have conversations with people from all different walks of life and open up discussion on a unique variety of topics. I want people to laugh, cry, reflect, but most importantly I want to inspire people to have conversations with their loved ones. There are so many people I know that don’t have open and honest conversations with their moms and dads, friends, siblings, etc. It is important to talk to each other, listen to one another, and laugh with one another.

This week I decided to have a car talk with myself. Life has been moving fast lately and I haven’t had a chance to truly sit down for a second and breathe. I am working two part-time jobs and am taking 19 credit hours. I barely have time to brush my teeth let alone sit down and talk to myself. On the way to work the other day I turned off my music and checked in on myself. These last few months have been a compilation of the same weekly routines. I have gotten comfortable with having too much on my plate and falling asleep well past midnight. If you know me this has been the norm for most of my life. I can’t remember a time where I wasn’t involved in more than 3 things at once. I have always strived to make 8 year old Savannah proud.

I started to chat with myself about where I’ve been, what this last year has looked like, and what I can do to be a better version of myself. When coming into college I promised myself I wouldn’t overwhelm myself. I would focus more on making solid relationships, figuring out how to be an adult, and breathe. I did just that. However, with all the time on my hands, I went through a little bit of an identity crisis. I realized how much I put my identity into the things I was involved in and the people I was surrounded with. When leaving for college my mom said, “Go find the version of yourself you haven’t met yet.” I called her crying 3 months later because I was extremely lost. It was hard for me to look at myself in the mirror some mornings because I had lost who I was. I was making decisions that 8 year old Savannah would not be proud of.

Struggling with these things at a Christian college made it even worse. I felt like the black sheep whenever I opened my mouth. I felt like my words, tone, and actions were painting a picture of someone I wasn’t. It was hard for me to make friends, because how could someone be friends with someone who doesn’t truly know who they are yet?

Coming into this school year I decided that I needed to stop victimizing myself and take the journey in finding who I am. I am pushing myself outside my comfort zone, I am being intentional about being a good friend and having good friends, and I am learning how to love myself in both my bad days and good days. Instead of trying so hard to make 8 year old Savannah proud, I now just want to look at myself in the mirror and be proud of who I am becoming.